Sealed Secrets

2012-01-20T14:00:00.000+08:00

It's that time of the year again. (:

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -Gandhi.

2012-01-13T22:32:00.002+08:00

Accepting your apology does not necessarily mean that I forgive you, but at least I'm trying to.

2012-01-12T16:18:00.002+08:00

Tell yourself, this world is perfect. So perfect.

2012-01-06T23:15:00.001+08:00

I think it should be said that I love you. I always have, and I mostly likely always will. I want you to know that there's always going to be someone in the world that loves you. We may not be as close as we once were, but no matter what, I'll still love you.

~Trustworthy.

2012-01-05T15:53:00.000+08:00

I meant what I said.

And we're gonna party like it's 2012

2011-12-31T20:34:00.003+08:00

2011 is ending. I don't quite know how I feel about that. I guess I'm just going to let it pass, like every other New Year's Eve. This year, I've lost friends and found new ones. Alright I guess I've only lost one friend, which is not a bad number. However, I've met so many new people who've had an impact on me in so many ways.

I'm stronger now, I'd say. 2011 was rough for me, but here I am, still surviving. I'm not going to let anyone bring me down, that's for sure. 2012 will be amazing. I will make it amazing.

2011-12-31T10:35:00.001+08:00

"If love and beauty were easy to find, they would not exist. Chaos and sadness exist in order for you to find the love and beauty in them. So that love and beauty mean something. It’s meant to be hard."
— I Wrote This For You

2011-12-27T20:39:00.001+08:00

Thank you for the beautiful evening yesterday. (:

It's the most beautiful time of the year.

2011-12-24T23:33:00.004+08:00

30 more minutes, 30 more minutes...

The best Christmas gift I could get is seeing your face.
DEYH. AirAsia damn cheap. Come home.
Even after all that crap zou've put me through, I still miss you.

Oh well.
Remember the last thing you texted me before leaving?
Well here you go darling :
Blessed Christmas. :)

This year it'll be slightly better. Fingers crossed.

2011-12-24T23:33:00.001+08:00

BO JIO.

2011-12-23T17:03:00.002+08:00

"Jesus is the reason we celebrate the seasons,
Christmas is the birth of our King."

Seeing you would be the best Christmas gift I could ever ask for, really.

Hanging out with the hombres on Mon.
I miss Justin's retarded laughter and pig snorts.

I am a Promise with a capital P.

2011-12-20T16:25:00.002+08:00

Had lunch with Shaun, Edwin, Sharose and Xara. We laughed so hard I think we chased customers away from Pastamania, SenQ, Padini, FOS, Reject Shop and Chatime.

I had fun, honestly. Probably gave Eddie a headache with all that laughter, but I had fun.

"Edwin, does laughing help in food digestion?"
"Um. Wait I studied that in Aussie before. Hold on, let me see. Yeah just continue laughing, I see you're enjoying yourself. *continues thinking*"
And the rest of us had the raised eyebrow ^.- look.

I love these people. \m/

You'll never read this, but I need to get it out.

2011-12-19T15:08:00.003+08:00

Save your breath, for I will no longer care.
just don't come back. Ever. People always leave, I understand. But there's no way on Earth am I allowing you to retun again.
So don't you dare come back. I honestly don't give a fuck anymore.

2011-12-18T20:30:00.002+08:00

I don't belong here.
This is not my place.

I belong with them, not with you. Not with any of you.

2011-12-11T12:31:00.000+08:00

I need the bass.
Now.

It's not love. It's better...

2011-12-08T21:59:00.001+08:00

It's happiness

Musica Sinfonietta's Second Annual Music Camp.

2011-11-29T21:53:00.002+08:00

It was amazing.

I loved every little detail. The long walk to McD and One Stop with the two of you, football at 10 am in the morning, taking up like ten chairs just to sleep while the second violins practise, all the retarded insults and dirty jokes, the endless argument about my best friend, holding on to your pee in that freezing room, all the texting during long bar rests, racist remarks and beautiful music making.

It really was amazing.

10am to 11pm for 5 days. Madness. I enjoyed every second nevertheless. I love you wonderful people. So much.

2011-11-29T19:55:00.000+08:00

I can't wait for January to come.

It's cool. I'll pretend I'm okay as I gently crumble.

2011-11-29T14:44:00.002+08:00

"This was unexpected, my soul’s connection to you. You stole my loneliness. No one knows that I was wishing for you, a thief, to enter my house of autonomy, that I had locked my doors but my windows were open, hoping, but not believing, you would enter."
— Douglas Coupland

But you fucking entered...

Wonderful. I need to get out of this mess fast.

Back to sleep. Kthxbye.

2011-11-23T19:52:00.000+08:00

I am still happy today. Wow. This feels amazing.

2011-11-23T09:45:00.003+08:00

Le concert was a blast. Big thanks to Justin and Eugene for making me laugh. No thanks to Sarah who tried to make me stop. (: I had fun, honestly. The only downside is that I can no longer see him sing Song Four anymore, right Sarah?
All in all, yesterday was a pretty good day. I was happy, and I still am now.

2011-11-22T12:06:00.001+08:00

No, I'll never find someone like you.

2011-11-22T11:54:00.003+08:00

I remember what you wore on the first day. You came into my life and I thought hey, this will definitely be nothing. But now everything you do and what you say, you don't know it takes my breath away. And now I'm left with nothing. But even with nothing, a part of me still cares for you. No, you're not him. You'll never be him. I just happen to care for you, but lately I don't even know why I bother. This doesn't make sense, man.

Three letters and a dot, huh? Way to ruin my day. If you think I still care then you're wrong. I have three letters and a dot for you too : Bye.

i've found out that anger makes me lose weight. ._. No I'm not happy because of that. I'm starting to worry, because I know I'll be mad at you for a very, very, very long time.

After that promise I made with God, Sheryn and Zi Yin, I can't turn back to my old ways anymore. So what do I do now? Ugh.

2011-11-21T15:26:00.001+08:00

I need my sleep. ):

I don't know what's going on, but I know I don't like it.

2011-11-20T12:20:00.002+08:00

Miscommunication leads to fall out. :/

Song Number Five.

2011-11-19T18:50:00.003+08:00

So freaking tired right now. Asdfhgsdgkjhsdkj. I need to sleep, but I just can't fall asleep. My brain is taunting me like NO I WILL NOT LET YOU SLEEP DIE BITCH DIE. Blah. This. Is. Torture.

Holidays have started. I'm supposed to laze around, but no, a whole lot of events decide to take up my time. Sigh.

Tomorrow's Sunday and I have church in the morning, flute in the afternoon and orchestra in the evening and at night. CAN'T I GET MY SABBATH DAY OFF? ): Sad life.

Orchestra music camp is coming up next week. Sacrificing 15 hours daily for about 5 days. Wonderful. Someone please kill me now.

I suddenly have this urge to perform. Ack. So weird. Can we please rewind time back to the 13th of November? I had so much fun. ._. Yes, I had you on my mind when I was singing. Lema. So annoying okay.

I'm extremely pissed right now, thank you, Habuk. With every fibre in my being, I'd really like to tear your heart into two, chop it into tiny pieces, burn the remains and then shove the ashes down your damn throat.

Get out of my head. Get out of my life. Stop pretending because I see right through all your broken promises and lies. Every word that comes out of your mouth is pure bullshit. Stop pretending to care, please. Do you actually want to talk to me or do you not? Make up your damn mind. If you can't, then please don't come back at all. I'll be just fine without you in my life.

Sometimes I don't even know why I bother.

Your voice ♥

2011-11-19T18:45:00.002+08:00

You're the reason why I look forward to weekends.
Not anymore.
I can't believe this. Ugh. Screw it.

Jiwang~

2011-11-19T12:05:00.002+08:00

"How can you look at the one you love and tell yourself ir's time to look away?"

I hope you read this, Kevin. Yes, I'm starting to like that name a whole lot.

2011-11-17T19:46:00.004+08:00

"Otherwise I'll do it in hell. Not assuming. I'll end up there."

NOHHH. How can you say that? ): It broke my heart when I read that message you sent. I was instantly reminded of a message you sent last time which said something like your life isn't worth it in the end. No darling, you're so freaking worth it. Your life is a blessing, I tell you.

You're NOT going to hell. Between you and I, I think I'm the one who'll probably end up there. I've messed this life up so much, sometimes I wonder if God can take it. You don't know how badly I screwed up, A1.

Granted, I know you have your demons to fight too, but trust me, dear boy, you'll win this battle. You are such a strong young man. sure, no one lives a perfect life, but I see you trying to make yours nearly perfect. I see all the goodness of the world in your heart. The little things you do, they mean everything to others. The lame jokes you crack, the insults you give me, the smiles you throw around every time you meet your friends, the way you speak to your elders, everything. They shape you, and they make you beautiful.

No, I'm wasn't kidding when I said you're beautiful inside and out. I know I said I was kidding, but I wasn't. It was the solid truth. There's so much kindness, so much strength and so much love in you. Don't you see? A person like you, -even if you should mess up now and then- will never go to hell.

Your life is worth living. Remember that day when I said I'd sacrifice my life for a few people? You're one of them. I'd do anything to keep such wonderful people around. Trust me, boy, you have a big heart. People love you for that. I'll never forgive you if you don't believe me on this one. You're my best friend, man, and I want you to know that you're amazing. So amazing I can't believe it sometimes.

You are loved. So, so much.

Trust me.

2011-11-17T10:32:00.002+08:00

It was amazing, watching you walk up that stage last night. You have no idea how proud I felt.
Thank you for inviting me. I'm glad I went. I still can smell that CK cologne. Ack, creepy much.

On a random note,

"He'd never tell you, but he can play guitar.
I think he can see through everything but my heart."

Dear Rachel Part II,

2011-11-17T10:20:00.004+08:00

Hi. Yes I know you've been keeping my secrets. I'm teaching myself to do the same to you too.
Trust me, so many people have asked me for your blog link just because they want to see what you've wrote about them. Remember that time when you first created your blog, you made me promise never to tell a soul about it? I never did, because it's your private, personal space.
You will not believe their faces every time a conversation like this happens :

"Eh tell lah, I know she hates me too. I want to read also deyh"
"Cannot lah, it's not my place to tell."
"But she hates your damn guts! Crystal ah!"
"Yes, Captain Obvious. I know that. Go ask her yourself."
(Insert asdabfgsekjgbsai O.o / o_________o face here)

Yes, that February thing. It's funny, but now I understand and repect that perhaps you weren't ready to tell me about it, or/and maybe you didn't want to. It's okay though, I get that now.
You remember that day when he came over to call you out? About that, a lot of our teachers and mutual friends from other classes have been asking me about it, and I'm like y u no ask her? (troll face) Like lah I know what to say ohmygoodness sheesh.

Just keep it low, I guess. Word spreads like wildfire in the damn staffroom.
Okay I don't know what else to type d. Later.

VM.

2011-11-17T10:14:00.002+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Ohmygoodness. I can't believe you went through all that trouble just to type all that for me.
I feel so damn honoured now. You never fail to make me smile.

This is bloody hilarious. Shit, I can't stop grinning now.

"Stress die me."

2011-11-12T09:27:00.004+08:00

I finally get my 6 hours of sleep. Finally. It wasn't very satisfying since I had weird dreams about horses, brooms, suicides and people eating human organs. (Thank you, A1. I'll whack you next Sunday for this.)

Couldn't sleep since November 4th. There was this camp organized by the school so I camped on the school field with another 71 participants. Had to patrol the surroundings from 12.30 to 1.30 pm. As usual, I texted 3 people at the same time because patrolling the school compound at midnight isn't very nice.

Right after that, I had to prepare for this CATC guides' camp which took place on the 9th, 10th and 11th. Funny how we won best cabaran. I think we were the worst group there, which was why they gave us best cabaran. Don't know. Hm. Everyone had flour and raw eggs in their hair and all over their clothes. I had a whole pail of water thrown on me. Wonderful. At least there was no mud this year, since the Young Minds event starts on the 11th. Thank God.

There's also another 2 camps/gatherings coming up in December. Ack. I'm definitely not signing up for that. Stress gila.

Performance tonight and tomorrow morning. Please God, don't let me lose my voice. Please please please.

***

I've come to realize that it seems that every time I get close to someone, they always have a reason - or none at all - to leave later on. Maybe it's fate teaching me that life goes on, or maybe I just trust the wrong people.

I think it's a bit of both, but it leans more towards the latter. This is why I gave up on trust. There's really no one on this Earth who can be trusted.

You didn't break me though, not even a little bit. That is honestly surprising, but I guess I've learned how to deal with the pain. It's not like this is the first time. Remember that Saturday when you told me I could trust you? I didn't believe you back then, and I still don't believe you now. What bullshit.

You don't realize how much your actions affected me, huh? What you did was plain hurtful, but again, I bet you didn't even realize. Typical you. I can't believe I actually called you my friend. Wow. I stand corrected.

I don't give a flying eff about what you decide to do with your life anymore. This is directed to you and him. I know you might read this. Him, I highly doubt it, but I don't care. I just don't care anymore.

Go fly a kite, run away to Hawaii, jump off a cliff. It doesn't matter. Just stop pretending to care, because I see right through your fake smiles and broken promises.

):

2011-11-12T09:25:00.002+08:00

WHY 29th?

WHY?!

Jiwang. Pardon me.

2011-11-12T00:42:00.001+08:00

I ask myself why, and in that same breath, as I watch you - I get my answer. It's everything about you; it's that teasing smile, that warm scent. It's the curve of your arms, the tousle of your hair, the ring of your voice. It's just everything about you. But more than that, it's everything about me. It's everything about the way you make me laugh, cry, smile and hurt. It's everything about the way you make me feel. And that's everything that I cannot, and would not, want to let go off.

I have loved you beautifully.

2011-11-08T00:07:00.000+08:00

Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts.

And we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face.

And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance.

And up until now I swore to myself that I'm content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.

2011-11-08T00:06:00.001+08:00

"I think I think too much. I worry over things that have yet to come, wasting time lingering over the future so much that I miss out on the joys of the present. I need to stop, I need to stop being this over-analytic, paranoid little girl; I need to start to be myself again. Because I'm sick of missing out on the joys of this life worrying over such nonsense - things that may not even ever happen."

My life story, all in one short paragraph. Hmmm...

This is for you.

2011-11-07T23:54:00.000+08:00

You asked why I don’t talk to you anymore, and please believe me when I say it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that everything I want to say, are the words that should be left unspoken.

2011-11-06T23:17:00.001+08:00

I need my Milo.

Reflection.

2011-11-06T22:56:00.002+08:00

There's a voice in my head telling me why I should hate you, but I hate myself instead. There's a pair of dead eyes in the mirror looking back at me. I guess it's wrong to live life so lifelessly.

I don't even know what on Earth is going on. This is weird. This is really weird. Oh well. I'll figure things out, I guess. When I do, you'll be sorry because next time, I will no longer give a damn. It'll all be over and done with after midnight.

My willpower will win. It always wins.

The Fifth of November.

2011-11-05T18:04:00.000+08:00

♥

One more hour.

2011-10-30T23:15:00.000+08:00

HALLOWEEN. (:

You want to break me? I'll break you first. I'll watch you shatter into pieces, then I'll turn around and walk away.

2011-10-28T08:55:00.005+08:00

No one can hurt me anymore. In fact, no one can even come close because I just don't care anymore. About anything. I wake up and don't care what I wear. I don't care what I do on the weekends. I just go through the motions.
So I sure as hell don't care what you do with your life anymore.

2011-10-27T13:08:00.000+08:00

"You have to get hurt. That’s how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. Because they’ve decided that they’re not going to let anything hold them down, they’re showing the world who's the boss."

Okay. I'm okay. Breathe in, breathe out.

"Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking, and I'm dying to know, is it killing you like it's killing me?"

2011-10-27T12:34:00.003+08:00

So here I am waiting for a text or a call, while I bang on this piano knowing you'll never care at all...

I just hope you're okay over there. Please don't get hurt.
I have this crazy feeling that tells me I'll be seeing you very soon. Am I supposed to anticipate November now? Oh well, I guess I'll just have to pretend to be okay and act normal around you. I'm a master at that, pretending to be okay. So don't you worry about me.

I think you know. You found out, didn't you? You knew what happened to me. You knew. And what did you do after that?

Mmm hmmm. I hope you're hurting inside now.

2011-10-24T12:52:00.005+08:00

Back then, you spent the days walking around in your basement remembering the ways you used to laugh and you spent hours looking at your favorite photographs. But now you can't, because you hate the past. And that's not all right. And no, you're not doing just fine.

______________________________________

Well, today I realized I hate the past. After 3 years, now I realize. It's getting worse now though. It's as though I'm trying to block everything out. It's like if I pretend it never happened, if I try to forget, maybe one day those memories will no longer be there.

However, it doesn't work that way, does it? No matter how many days, months, seasons or years go by, there will always seem to be that one memory that stands out much stronger than the rest. That memory which your heart wants to forget the most always seem to be the one thing it remembers for the rest of your life.

I can't forget all that I've went through. God knows I've tried...

My conscience was asking me this question throughout the whole morning : Is it worth the hurt?
For me it is. It will always be.

I will learn and I will come out stronger than I ever was before.

So yes, it's all worth the hurt.

I just don't know if I want to do it anymore, get close to somebody so they can leave again.

2011-10-24T12:46:00.004+08:00

I'm opening up myself to get hurt again. I'm not ready to go on with this yet, because I know I'm going to be the one who gets hurt in the end. I learned from the past, and I'm not going to let it sneak into my present and my future. I can't lose myself again. After all those years, I can't let it happen again.

It scares me because I care for you.

Himmel

2011-10-20T20:56:00.003+08:00

This time, it will be mine.

I just need you to find me before it's too late...

Never mind, I'll find someone like you.

2011-10-18T20:51:00.002+08:00

"Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
When the thunder calls for me,
Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
Standing on my own two feet."

2011-10-15T21:01:00.004+08:00

Day was good.
Met great people.
Talked, ate good food, laughed.

Contented.

Thank you, SDA. (:

Live your life around the dream.

2011-10-14T22:57:00.002+08:00

"...no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search for its dreams,
because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."
- Paulo Coelho

2011-10-13T15:50:00.003+08:00

Hey.
You can't pull me down.
You know why?

I'm too awesome for that to happen, that's why.
So Imma turn that frown upside down.
It's all in my hands yo.

(:

Why on Earth did I get myself into this?

2011-10-12T23:08:00.003+08:00

9,048 miles and 6,006 miles.

Sigh.

2011-10-11T18:14:00.003+08:00

Freedom was supposed to feel happier.

What's missing?
Hmmm...

Oh well.
I cannot wait for January. Yes, it's 3 more months, but I simply cannot wait.
I'm so excited, it creeps me out.
I love this.

I can't wait.

January, I look forward to you. ♥

2011-10-11T18:10:00.002+08:00

You'll never read this,
but thank you, A2,

i can't believe we talked until 1am. Sorry lah, hahah.
Thanks. I needed that.

You're a great best friend.
I guess all I want to say is thank you.
It made my History exam a little easier to go through.
(:

When you do find out my blog link and happen to read this,
thank you. Blush omg hahah.

2011-10-08T18:38:00.003+08:00

Must studyyy.

Must get off the Internet.

Must stop getting bothered by him. (Oi. You're so annoying okay. Go fly a kite or find your girlfriend lah. Don't lah distract me. Leave me alone grrr.)

Must open History textbook.

Must not sleep while reading History textbook.

Aiya.

One more. Just one more.

2011-09-24T10:47:00.003+08:00

Look! Crimson red snow
Pure white now tainted with blood
Just like our lost souls

The story's not over yet.

They say to love is also to bless.
I love you, and therefore I wish you the best in life.
God bless you and her. I mean it.
She's a wonderful girl. You're beyond wonderful yourself.
And you know what?
I truly was enchanted to meet you.
Thank you for that privilege.

Now it's time for me to walk away.
My heart shall no longer wait to be yours for the taking. Not again.
I don't give second chances to people who are capable of hurting me.

It feels amazing to be free.

Closure

2011-09-24T10:46:00.001+08:00

I'm glad you're happy.

Philippians 1:3

2011-09-19T16:53:00.002+08:00

Every time I think of you, I thank my God.

♥

2011-09-17T17:36:00.002+08:00

I had an amazing weekend.
All thanks to you.

It was so freaking fun.
Not to mention my little dose of victory over B on Friday morning.
My victory laugh was madness, hahah.

Johnny English was epic.
My stomach muscles hurt so much after all that laughter.

i'm always happy when I'm at your place.
You know why, don't you?
Hahah.

Thanks girl, and ahem (godmothergodfathergodbrother).
You're going to kill me for that hmmm?
Don't worry. I have Nina Williams with me.
That shit is Unbeatable.
With a capital U.

2011-09-13T21:00:00.005+08:00

Okay, that's it. September has been shitty enough for me. Alright Rachel. You can go hating on me.
I really give up with the acting now. I know you're worn out too. We'll have it your way then.
Hate me then, if it makes things easier. Anything that'll save me from more headaches, I will willingly take.

2011-09-13T20:49:00.002+08:00

I know I never had the privilege to visit every year.
And I'm so sorry.

All I want to do now is just run away for a while.
No wi-fi, no school, no him and no her.
just the beautiful Pangkor beaches.

Peoplle say you tend to miss people more the minute they leave.
Proven true.
I regret not going down often.
I'm so sorry.

I saw you last year and insisted that the 4 of us took that photo.
Even though you only remembered me vaguely, you were so nice to me.

And now, amidst all this mess and pain he caused me,
just when I'm trying to block out all those haunting memories,
this happens.

Today was supposed to be good.
Today went pretty well, actually.
Everything just came tumbling down at 4:30pm.

I'm so sorry.
I should've went down more often, at least talk to you more often.
I'm so, so, so sorry.

Rest in peace, zhor zhor.
I'll miss you.

Hello you.

2011-09-09T20:59:00.001+08:00

Deyh, why lah you go Singapore?
Come homeee.
I have shitloads of things to tell you but I'm keeping everything from you.
I'm supposed to tell you things like that, you're my best friend.
But you're not here.
Seriously lah, this is damn important.

Fly home.

AirAsia. Damn cheap.
Fly home now.

2011-09-09T20:51:00.002+08:00

What you see is only a quarter of what I am.
I have a hundred different faces, a thousand different disguises and a million different personalities.
Only a part of me is what I show you.
I only display a fraction of my true self.
Everything is just a facade.
It's not the truth.
You think you know me, but you don't.

You never will.

2011-09-09T17:53:00.003+08:00

Jia, you have no idea how great I felt seeing you again on the ship. I'm glad to know that life's going good for you.

You pretty much made September brighter again, like how you always do. Just like that year's September.

I hope you find that happiness we used to talk about. I hope you find it soon.
Stay safe.

2011-09-09T14:46:00.000+08:00

Why lah you go NS?
):

2011-09-09T14:39:00.003+08:00

Do you know why I didn't stop her?
It wasn't because I hated you.
Like I said in the previous post, I don't.

Well, it was because of what you said.
"She got so little only. She won't ever win wan lah. Please lah, duh."
I was angry for the first 2 minutes after hearing that, but after that I was just upset.
She, on the other hand, was pissed.

Maybe she was pissed on my behalf, I don't know, but she was really angry.
Now that I think of it, yes she was enraged. I'm not sure why myself.

I don't expect you to support me, since you hate me, but really, there's no need to use those words right?
We're from the same class after all. Besides, I never volunteered to represent you all. Lavonne requested that I take her place. Maybe if she entered, she would have won the whole thing instead. I have confidence in her anyway.

So if I'm not good enough, I'm well aware of that. There's no need to rub it in, because I know. I know okay, I know. So yeah. That's all. Peace.

Edited.
Um, it wasn't just her. Ann Jou said she heard it too.
And I believed them because logically, they wouldn't benefit from lying. No gain.
And girl one was really, really upset when she told me that.
Very defensive, angry and all. You heard the words.

The blackboard thing. Yes, I did write that, but no I did not forge someone else's handwriting.
The original one was x heart y, y being some other name all in someone else's handwriting.
I wrote your name over the y. Yes it wass meant as a joke, and yes I see now that you took that seriously.
I never meant for it to get on anyone's nerves because it was meant as a joke.
I had no idea you would take it the other way. If I overstepped, in your eyes, then yes the fault is mine and I apologize.
But yes you can't turn back time, what is done is done etc., so I know there's nothing I can do.
I'm just telling you that it was never meant to be taken seriously. I regret everything that has been messed up, but there's nothing I can do now except to leave you alone, since that's what you want.
That's what we've been doing for the past few weeks, more or less, to the extent that people actually start to find it entertaining.
Whatever lah. If it's easier this way then I'll go with it. We've been at it for quite a while now so I'll eventually get used to it.

2011-09-08T22:10:00.002+08:00

I'm happy.
This feels strange, but wonderful.

i can't bring myself to hate her, and you, too.
That'e the problem with me.
i trusted her, she trusted me, I trusted you, you trusted me.
Things might have turned out differently now, but I still can't bring myself to hate the people I used to trust so much.

It's weird, how society thinks that you should hate someone because that someone hates you.
i never understood that. Hate vs hate always end up with more hate anyway.
We don't need all that mess.

life is so short. If we waste it on hating, then we'll definitely miss out the good times.
Good times like now.
I'm so grateful for this and I'm going to make the best out of it for as long as it lasts.

This calls for a movie tomorrow.
LG. Life's Good for now.

2011-09-08T16:00:00.003+08:00

I never wanted to make is this far, so no, I don't find it a failure.
All I know now is that I'm about to lose my voice again, and perhaps my mind too.
smooth. Real smooth.

which part of no don't you get?
You think calling me at dinner would help?
"Hey um, we need to talk things out first. Wait."?
What else is there to talk about before you take over again?

You're great at sweet-talking and coaxing, yes I'll give you that.
But I'm not going through hell again.
Please lah, please just try to understand that.
it's painful. With and without you,
but I will survive.
Just let me prove it to you.

I will be that girl with the strong heart, the girl you've always asked me to be. The girl you made me become.

2011-09-07T19:42:00.002+08:00

Of all people, don't you dare worry about me.
I have had enough for now, so please don't try to understand, because you don't.
You don't. You're beautiiful, perfect, caring and yet destructive.

However, I promise you this.
I will do better, A.
I made you a promise and I keep my promises, no matter what.
I will do better.

After school tomorrow. On.
Persistence.

This is my moment.

2011-09-06T21:43:00.003+08:00

No Rebecca Black pun intended, but yes.

Finally.

I have never felt so happy during recess. Ever.
I feel proud of myself for fighting against you.
Sure, I love you and all, but what we were in, that was unhealthy.
I couldn't let you continue to hurt me physically, especially after so many people hurting me emotionally.
I'm not complaining about them though. I'd actually like to thank them.

My father, brother, him, Christina, the twins, VL, Jia, Luna, Kangkung, Ilysia, Melissa, Rachel, Edmund.
All according to order.
But all that, as they say, is history.
I've repaired ties with all, well most, of you.
Thank you for making me stronger.

Sometimes we need to be weakened in order to gain more strength.
So yes, thank you, all of you.

But then now there's you.
And I finally realized what we were was actually very wrong.
You was wrong. I was wrong.
The whole thing was just twisted and unhealthy, but I was too blind to see it.
I couldn't let you go.

However, I can now.
I have already let you go, in fact.
Mentally and emotionally too.

Like I said, best recess ever.
Thank you, both of you.
I was so happy I no longer thought of the scars, pain, aches and bruises.
It. Felt. Wonderful.

I am still happy now.
You don't get to take that away from me.

Come knocking at my door if you dare to, I will open it and then slam it in your face.
Perhaps I'll feel my heart shatter to pieces after that, and maybe yours too.
But I don't care.

As long as I'm healthy. As long as I'm happy. As long as I'm free.
Heck, as long as you're not here, I'm fine.
I'm'm never going back into your arms. The arms that will eventually crush me to pieces, the hands that will eventually strangle me to death, the fingers that will eventually scratch and shred my skin. You manipulating liar.

My second song shall be dedicated to you, and also to the ones who have went through this journey. I wrote it for you.
I only wished you could be there to listen, but it might do you no good, since you're as stubborn and persistent as I am.
Maybe that was how you found me. We're alike.

I thought typing this out would make me feel bad again, but no, I'm still happy.

This is good.

Thank You God.

Things will get better. They always do...

2011-09-03T19:53:00.003+08:00

You make me sick to my bones. And yes, I'm letting you go.
So what if I fail 10 times? I'll try another 10 times then.
I'm not going to waste these amazing years like this.
I want to look back at my teenage years and not regret a thing.

I will go to university, I will study Psychology and I will be the best damn lecturer you've ever seen. And I will be happy. I will be happy.
Just you wait and see.
I shall try again and again and again until I make it right.

I'm not going to let myself wither away and die so young.
I promise you that, Mum.

I'm untangling myself from you now, A.
Yes, I know you'll come back.
I know I'll fail again.

It doesn't matter.

I will fight you, even if I should love you.
You're not going to kill me like this. No way.
I will get out of this mess.

I'm walking away. Chase me if you wish.
I will pry your arms off my body.
You will no longer hurt me.

3 years you've been haunting me. I'm not going to let that turn into 6.
It hurts like hell but I'm going to escape.
I thought I was gaining control, but in reality, I was losing it.
To you.

I lost my control to you because I loved you.

Now I realized how fucking blind I was.

When you return from me, I will run.
You may continue to haunt me night and day, but so what?
I'm going to shove my happiness in your face.
This time it will no longer be fake.
My 246 shall stop.
All this has to stop. Soon. Now.
I shall no longer listen to you.
Scream at me, cry, hit me.
Go ahead.

I don't care how many times I fail.
Because that means I'm getting there and I'm going to win.
So screw you; honey, and don't you dare seek for another victim to destroy, ESPECIALLY if she's someone I know.

I may love you, but that doesn't mean I can't leave you.

"Because if you continue living like this you will die."

2011-09-01T17:25:00.001+08:00

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

-Marilyn Monroe

2011-08-24T17:57:00.002+08:00

Must eat.

Must stop worrying.

Must stop counting.

Must eat.

Argh.

***

I'm well aware that we're not friends anymore, of course. I can't stop, I just don't know how to. I'm sorry. Yeah, I hate me, too.

Eccedentesiast.

2011-08-15T19:58:00.003+08:00

All this while, it really seemed like no one cared. There were some of them who pretended to. Note that I said pretended, because really, I could tell. That boy taught me how to do that. However, I give you credit for pretending to be my friend, for pretending to care and for pretending to listen. You never cared at all, but oh well, at least you bothered pretending. Macamlah I tak tahu, kan?

I never thought I would find someone who would really care. The one who does is in Singapore. (Hello you. I can't tell you about all this through text, but please, pray for me. I love you.)

School was vaguely different for me today. Surprisingly, you - of all people - actually put down your books and pens and asked me if I was okay. That caught me off guard, lady. You actually asked me that 3 times. Obviously you did not buy the whole "Oh I'm fine" answer. Do you know why I trusted you? Why I told you the truth? I saw the pain in your eyes. You would understand. I knew you would never judge me, and you didn't.

I never wanted you to see me at the lowest point of my life, because I know how highly you think of me. You even said so yourself that I'm a person who works hard and manages things properly. I saw your shock when I confided in you. See, no one expected this to happen. Neither did I, but I fell nevertheless.

"Maybe God is testing you, Crystal. Maybe He wants you to learn something. You will walk out stronger than you ever were before. You're a strong girl, so stay strong. Things will change. Stay strong." You'll never know how much those words moved me, especially the italicized ones. You'll never know that you saved my life today. One day, when that change comes, I will find you and I will thank you again for this day.

"Transformation means change. Transformation brings change." Yes, Principal. I will be ready when transformation takes place.

I'm going to fall sick soon. It's partially my fault. I think too much, over-analyze situations and keep myself awake for far too long. There are weekends when I have to constantly remind myself to eat and to sleep. I actually chastised Leonard yesterday for doing the same due to his busy schedule. The tables have turned.

Left school early today and the mother kept on forcing me to eat. EatthiseatthatIdon'tcareaboutyourdietsandnonsensemakanmakanmakan. It took me forever to finish my lunch, since I haven't been eating properly in quite some time. It's not a bloody diet, Mother. I can't help it okay?

I don't even know how did all this start. All I know is that you made it worse, 'BB'. Did you really think that what you said wouldn't hurt me? Think again. Thanks a lot, man. I'm human too.

Wings broken, words unspoken...

2011-08-09T15:27:00.002+08:00

I remember a 6 paged letter I wrote during my exams a long time ago.
Another one of those letters I would never send.
I think I wrote a metaphor about butterfly wings.

Shit. What I did today just shows the juxtaposition so clearly.
I have always embraced consistency, but lately, I know I've changed.
And the scary part is that I can adapt to it in a blink of an eye.

Since when did this start to happen?
I never realized it until that day in January.
How am I going to escape from this mess now?
Wow. More shit to deal with. Just great.

2011-08-08T22:42:00.002+08:00

I'm always here if you ever need me.

I don't care if you ignore me for weeks, reply me, ignore me again and all that shit.
I care about you and I always will.

I could relate to you so well.

I don't hate you even if you think I'm better off dead.
I can't bring myself to.
You know what?
I'm going to bargain with God and see if He can prolong my life even longer.
Then I'll show you that yes, I am as stubborn as you are.

Two peas in a pod.
I will fight.
You just wait and see.

Revelation.

2011-07-31T18:25:00.006+08:00

This weekend was simply indescribable.

I'm scared. I'm trying. I'm fighting.
I don't want to go back.
I'm fighting real hard, but I don't know how long my shield can withstand the enemy.
I would really like to say I will win, for I go with God,
but it's not all God. I have to play a huge part in this too.
I have to be the one who's actually picking up the sword, fighting for my life.

Thank you.
Thank you all, so much.
My weekend was so amazing and beautiful.
I felt loved.
Most importantly, I felt free.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.
I have shitloads of theory homework which is due tomorrow,
but I can't start.
I need to talk to you.
You would understand.
I was there for you when you needed help.
I need you now.
Too bad you're not talking to me.
Hopefully after you get my e-mail, you'll say something.
Anything. It could even be just one sentence.
I don't care.
You're my best friend, my sister and my mentor.
I miss you.

2011-07-28T19:35:00.002+08:00

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times,

if one only remembers to turn on the light."

- Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter 7, part 2.

I'm trying, but I don't know what's going wrong. I came across 1 John 5:21 today on a random website. It got me staring at the picture for 2 minutes.

Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts.

I'm sorry. God, you, you and all of you. I know things have changed, especially since Monday. It wasn't exam stress. I never cared much for exams now anyway, which is also another strange thing. I would sleep and shut the world out one day before and try to cram everything in an hour before the exam.

I was never like this. I don't know what happened. Actually, I do, but it's not like there's anything I can do about it. Keep away from anything that might take God's place in my heart?

How do I do that if that one thing just happens to be my mind and feelings?

So berserabut. I'm still trying to sort out this mess.

I need to talk to you.

So badly.

But oh well, forget it.

2011-07-27T19:14:00.003+08:00

My one weakness is that I care too much about you...

2011-07-23T18:37:00.002+08:00

I fear the day you leave.
That one day when you just walk away and vanish.
I have always believed in you, really.
All my faith and trust were put in your hands because I loved you.
I trusted you to support my decisions.
I trusted you to not let me down.
I trusted you to never leave, especially when I need you most.

You betrayed my trust.
You never supported any decision I made.
It was always your way and I had to go with it,
and I did, because I trusted you enough.

Then you let me down.
You took away that one thing I found.
That one thing that kept me determined and motivated.
it was as though a part of my soul was ripped apart.
The sad thing was that you never even cared.

Please, please don't betray my trust again.
Don't you dare leave.
I know of all the things you've done, most of them end up hurting me,
but I don't ever wish you to leave.
i don't know why, maybe it's because I love you,
But all I know is that I don't ever want you to walk away.

I don't know if the thought of leaving ever crossed your mind,
but if it should, I beg you, please don't leave.
if that unfortunate day should come and you walk away,
You would've brought all my hopes and dreams along with you.
Out. Vanished. Gone.
Just like that.

i remember all the things you did before.
God, how it hurts for me to actually picture it again.
Don't think I never noticed, because I did.
What's supposed to be left of love has turned into rage and destruction.

You've let that influence me too.
Every time I'm supposed to love, forgive and forget, I always end up with this rage.
This anger I can never quite shake off completely.
It's as though I have to destroy something made perfect just to release that rage.
I don't normally act on it, but when I do, it's sad.
i'm thinking back now and well, it's sad, how I learned all this from you.

You were never supposed to do this.
We were never supposed to walk this path.
you were supposed to care.
I'm not your voodoo doll or the puppet you can just dispose of whenever you feel like it.
i'm human too, and I have feelings, but you never took them into consideration.
Simply put, you just never cared.

After typing all this out, I don't even know if I want you around anymore.
However, I think I really need you in my life, because no matter how screwed up things were and are,
a part of me still believes that you can change for the better.
That I, too, can change for the better.

I really don't know what to do now.
I'm not angry, just empty.
It's just emptiness inside and nothing more.
I never wanted all this depression and anxiety
and no, you're not entirely the cause of it.
There's her, the best frIend I loved and always will love,
him, who's probably missing that bitch right now,
him, who suddenly left after all the months I believed in him,
and of coiurse, myself.

I just want to sleep non-stop and shut reality out.
At least I get to control my dreams then.
I cannot bring myself to study, no matter how hard I try to.
It's like I just don't care anymore...
Even if you have hurt me in so many ways, you never wanted me to end up like this, I know.
Neither did I.

I can't help it now.
There's really nothing I can do, and you don't even bother helping.
So much for the love you're supposed to show...

I think I'll just go back to sleep now.

I'll probably never be able to fully repay you guys, but thank you for today.

2011-07-22T21:23:00.003+08:00

Thank you. Really.
Thank you for the amazing day I had.
Finally, the break I've been waiting for.

At least for 4 hours and 45 minutes, I get to block out all the nonsense I'm going through,
and that doesn't even include school.
Yes, even if I was nearly knocked down by a car on my way to piano class (wouldn't you like to see that?), at least I would die knowing that my last day wasn't shitty.
Wow, I sound morbid. Hmmm.

Anyway, thanks. A whole lot.
Thanks to you, you, you, you, you and everyone else.

I really needed the break and laughter.
After all that pain, all I ask for is a chance to actually mean my laughs and happiness.
No more pain, no more bruises, no more blood, no more lies.
At least one day.
Thank God for today, especially when everything was moving so quickly.
I actually could stop to take deep breaths without any of those anxiety and stress attacks.

Oh yes, my most profound gratitude to you though, ☾.
Thank you for talking and talking and talking.
Thank you for agreeing to drive to Queens and not Gurney.
(I really can't go back to Gurney without remembering him. Ugh.)

I remember you talking to me about R before the movie.
My heart broke for you, you know.
That might sound strange coming from me, but really, I saw the pain in your eyes.
Tears were actually about to well up in mine.
Then the trailers started. Hahah.

Yes, I know what you're going to complicated and hard,
but I want you to know this :
You are so much stronger than you think you are. Inside you, there lies a heart. Not just any heart, but a big blood pumping heart that gives you strength and life. You really are strong. Please don't tell me "No lah, I'm not strong at all lah okay etc.", because you may not see it, but you are so, so strong.

You will pull through.

Whichever path this situation may lead to, I pray you'll have happiness.
I never worried so much about people except for those close to the heart,
but everything you said and the way you said it let it hit home.
It got through deep enough to break my heart.
So yes, I guess that's pretty much why I'm typing all this out.

You'll never read this, but just in case you do,
smile, relax and go get Each a Cup. One won't kill you. (:

Wow. YES. This this this. You know what? Fck you too. (t-.-)t

2011-07-19T17:12:00.001+08:00

Been there, done that.

2011-07-19T17:08:00.001+08:00

Things that make me feel awkward :

Being in a room with only one other person you don't really know.
Talking to someone who used to be your friend but isn’t anymore.
Eating in front of other people.
Knowing someone’s name when they don’t know yours.
Staring off into space then realizing you were staring at a person.
Eye contact from across the room.
Being in a waiting room with someone who is loud.
Not knowing what to say to people.

Word. All of the above.

2011-07-17T14:13:00.000+08:00

The bad feeling all over again. Please, please, please let it be nothing. Please.

2011-07-14T23:40:00.006+08:00

Let the fire burn the ice before it all ends, before I have to say goodbye again.

The only thing that's troubling me now is the fact that I may never see your face and that annoying smirk of yours, hear your "mmyeahsurewhatever" answers every time I say hi, your laugh and the sound of your footsteps coming up the stairs again.
I have a horrid, rotten feeling that you are not coming back. You probably hate Penang, don't you?
If you can leave now, who's to say you wouldn't head towards the other side of the world?

I know we were never close. You always put up a facade. Every single time.
Now it feels like you're about to go somewhere I do not know, and I doubt you'll ever return.
What stings the most is that you're family.

This is what I do every day. Go online, find things that relate to me and reblog instantly. I miss you.

2011-07-08T18:51:00.002+08:00

I know you think of me as just a friend, and that crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you’d ever consider. But I have to say it… I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.

Honestly, I don't know what scares me more,
that you will never start loving me or I will never stop loving you.

2011-07-08T18:43:00.002+08:00

The 30 Most Satisfying Simple Pleasures Life Has to Offer

Sleeping In on a Rainy Day –
As the rain beats lightly against the window, you nestle your head deeper into your pillow. The sound is soothing and your bed feels like a sanctuary. There is no place you would rather be.

Finding Money You Didn’t Know You Had –
You reach into your pocket and find a $20 bill from the last time you wore these jeans. You aren’t rich, but you are richer than you were a second earlier.

Making Brief Eye Contact with Someone of the Opposite Sex –
You pass her on the street or in the subway. She glances up at you momentarily, making direct eye contact in a way that seems to communicate a subtle curiosity. For a split second it makes you think… and then it’s gone.

Skinny Dipping –
There is something mysteriously liberating about being naked in a body of water. You are naked, but it feels natural, a sense of unrefined freedom.

Receiving a Real Letter or Package via Snail Mail –
E-mail has become the primary source of written communication. Most snail mail these days is junk mail. When you check the mail and find a real letter or package from someone you know, excitement overtakes you as you tear into this rare gift.

Making the Yellow Light -
It’s one of the most common simple pleasures, the act of beating the pack. As you blaze through the yellow light you glance in your rearview to see all the cars behind you stopping at the red light. Yes! You made it!

Telling a Funny or Interesting, True Story -
One of the most enticing roles you lead in life is that of the storyteller. You love to share stories, especially those that will captivate your audience with deep curiosity and humor. There are few things more satisfying than telling a true story that others enjoy listening to.

Seeing a Friend Stumble Over Himself –
As you walk across the street with your friend, he fails to accurately address the curb on the other side. He trips and stumbles around momentarily before regaining his footing, then swiftly attempts to play it off like nothing happened. This can be a hilarious sight if the moment is right.

Hearing the Right Song at the Right Moment -
It doesn’t matter what the setting is, hearing the right song for that moment is one of those simple pleasures in life that instantly lifts your spirits. You could be driving home from work, hanging out at a bar with friends, or jogging. When the right song rattles your ear drums the entire meaning of life seems crystal clear.

The First Sip of a Beverage When You’re Thirsty –
You just finished mowing the lawn or taking a long jog. The only thing on your mind is an ice-cold glass of water. When you are really, really thirsty, that first sip of any liquid beverage is sheer bliss.

Catching a Glimpse of Bare Skin on the Opposite Sex –
For guys, it’s when the waitress bends over a little too far. For girls it’s seeing that buff guy in a Speedo. Either way, when you see a bit more skin than you were expecting on the opposite sex, you can’t help but to smirk on the inside.

Saying the Same Thing Simultaneously –
There is a moment of silence. Then all of the sudden you and your friend blurt out the same exact set of words simultaneously. This rare occurrence is something to smile about.

The Pull-Through Parking Spot –
You pull into a parking spot and are delighted to see the availability of the parking spot immediately in front of you. You pull through to the spot in front so that when you return to the car you can drive forward out of the parking spot. Why? Because driving backwards is a pain in the butt.

Realizing You Have More Time to Sleep –
Something abruptly awakens you and you think it’s time to get up. Then you squint over at your alarm clock and realize you still have 2 more hours to sleep. A warm euphoric feeling shoots though your body as you glide gracefully back to your dreams.

People Watching –
Sitting there on your bench you can see people in every direction. Tall people, small people, thin and plump. Blond, brunette, and redhead alike. Each of them has a different stride and a unique expression. As you drift from body to body you are mesmerized by what you see.

Putting On Clothes Straight from the Dryer –
As soon as the dryer buzzes, you pull out your clothes and put them on. They feel soothingly warm on your skin and emit a fresh-scented aroma into the air. A sentiment of ease comes over you as you head out to conquer the day.

A Familiar Smell –
You just pulled into your parent’s driveway and opened the car door. You haven’t been home in a long while. You smell familiarity in the air, the scent of a large pine tree in the neighbor’s yard. As you head through the front door, more familiar smells consume your senses. Gosh, it feels good to be home…

The Feeling You Get When Your Idea Works –
You have been struggling to resolve a complex problem all day and you just can’t seem to get it right. Filled with frustration, you decide to exercise one last idea before calling it a night. You’ve had many ideas before that failed miserably… but this time it works.

Fresh, Clean Bed Sheets –
You yank at the corner of the bedspread to create just enough space to slide your body under the freshly cleaned sheets. The sheets feel cool to the touch. Everything seems so clean, like nobody has ever slept in this bed before.

A Beautiful View –
As the car veers around the side of the mountain you gaze out the passenger window. It’s a clear, sunny day and you can see the entire valley below filled with wild flowers and bright green vegetation. The scenery reminds you of something you once saw in National Geographic. But here it is live, right before your eyes.

Reminiscing About Old Times with Your Closest Friends –
Pink Floyd once said “the memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime”. There is no simple pleasure more satisfying than recounting the greatest moments of your life with your closest friends who lived these moments alongside you.

Receiving an Unexpected Compliment –
It’s been an average day. Nothing really great has happened, but nothing terrible occurred either. This monotonous day has put you in a dreary mood. Unexpectedly, an older, attractive lady taps you on the shoulder, calls you “handsome” and says she loves your shirt. The day just got a whole lot better.

Having a Good Laugh –
Laughter is the greatest cure of all. Life is extraordinary in the moments when you are laughing so hard you can barely breathe. These moments of deep laughter are divine in the sense that they cleanse your mood and set your mind on a positive track.

The Feeling After a Healthy Workout -
It’s a giddy feeling of self accomplishment; the one true activity that actually makes you feel better and look better simultaneously. When you walk out the front door of the gym you are on top of the world.

The Celebration in the Instant Something Makes Sense –
Even now that it has explained to you for the third time, you just don’t understand how it works. Everyone else seems to understand but you. Then out of the blue the dots connect in your mind. You finally get it, and it feels great!

Relaxing Outdoors on a Sunny Day –
As you relax sprawled out in a lawn chair, the sun warms your skin and a light breeze keeps the temperature comfortable. Birds are chirping merrily in the trees behind you. You are at complete peace with the environment.

Holding Hands with Someone You Love –
Every time she grabs your hand you are overcome with an awareness of how much she means to you. Holding hands is sensual and physically intimate, yet subtle. There are few people you allow to hold your hand, so when it happens you can be sure that the moment is special.

Playing in the Water –
Water marvels people of all ages. From jumping in puddles as a child, to doing cannon balls in the pool as an adolescent, to enjoying a cocktail in the Jacuzzi as an adult… water is enjoyable.

Making Someone Smile –
You notice that your colleague has been under a great deal of stress with meeting a deadline, so you take it upon yourself to complete one of her indirect responsibilities for her. As soon as she realizes what you did, she comes into your office with a big smile on her face. “Thank you”, she says. You just hit two birds with one stone, because making her smile just made your day.

Finishing What You Started –
You just finished up a big project you’ve been working on for the last few months, or maybe you just finished your first marathon… Either way, you finalized what you set out to accomplish. The feeling of self accomplishment you get when you finish what you started is by far one of the most rewarding simple pleasures life has to offer.

2011-07-03T13:27:00.000+08:00

"His eyes pierce mine and for a moment I feel as if the rest of the world is closed out and it’s just the two of us. The urge to jump into his arms and feel the warmth of them surrounding me is so powerful, I wonder if it’s medically possible to be addicted to another human being."

Perfect Chemistry By Simone Elkeles.

Post-Fiesta,

2011-07-02T18:30:00.001+08:00

My shoulders hurt after all that burden you threw on them.
After all that stress, I think I have mentally grown ten years older.

"We're like dominoes. I fall for you, you fall for her."

2011-06-21T22:35:00.004+08:00

Have you ever felt like this before, being placed in this situation? Seeing the love of your life with someone else, but you don’t want to interfere because they’re happy? You're willing to let go because they're happy now? If they’re happy, that’s all that should matter. You put their feelings first, before anything else, because their happiness, is yours.

I tried. I'm trying. I'm glad you're happy with her, although that doesn't make me happy. We're not close and you'll never know how much I sacrificed for you. It's okay, you're doing well now. With her.

It’s a complicated situation, letting you go to her, while I stand here, trying to muster my strength to face this. Letting her take my place, hold your hand, hug you, give you surprise kisses and make you laugh. Life isn’t fair, but it’s going to be alright. I'm going to find another person who will treat me well. He'll love me like how I love you and like how you love her. I will find someone just as wonderful, and I will wait.

God has greater plans for me.

Random stuff jumbled together as a poor excuse of an update.

2011-06-19T20:06:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was AWESOME.
Too bad Sylvia couldn't make it.
I know how losing your voice feels like.

Anyway, we had a great time rocking our hearts out.
The only girl band there and we played metal, while all the boys played "lame lembik songs" like P. Ramlee.
We won the hearts of the audience though.
It doesn't matter if 3 old judges think we don't deserve it.
100 over people > 3 people.

Frankly, I did enjoy myself.

OH OH. On a side note :
I still smelled like Calvin Klein's Eternity cologne even before I went to sleep.
So scary. (Remember the blanket thing? It appeared in my head. Damn scary.)

I went to First Avenue today.
Green Lantern was stupid.
I demand my 9 bucks back, please.

I met my brother's best friend too.
He recognized me the minute I stepped up on stage.
The last time I saw him was 4 years ago.
Unbelievable.

Alright, I have no idea what else is there to say.
My mind is completely blank.

Hello, History notes.

I'm leaving. It seems you don't care anyway. Why should I even bother?

2011-06-13T18:37:00.005+08:00

I cared. I really did.
When no one else was there, I cared.
Fine, maybe you had your omgomgomgdarlingbububoy, yeah, but among your circle of friends, I was the only one who bothered to go over to your place when you felt like hell.
You know sometimes when you feel horrible, you just want someone who would listen? Maybe a shoulder to cry on too, but most importantly you want someone who would listen, someone who cares.
I was your pillar.

Thanks for the way you're acting now.
~~I appreciate you treating me like shit~~

Girl, just so you know, they don't care. I can see it. That little group of girls you sit with, they don't care. They are there for you during the good times, but during the bad, they just magically disappear. (I think I heard someone say this line today, so here it is.)

People change, things happen, friendships fade.
When all else fails, I wish you well.
Goodbye.

I still remember how we started talking...

2011-05-31T18:00:00.002+08:00

If I should fade away into the stormy seas, would you still remember me?

You + Me = Impossible

2011-05-25T17:30:00.003+08:00

There was once a girl who would do anything for you.
She may not be the prettiest, slimmest or smartest,
but I guarantee you,
she could give you the world.

I was that girl.
I'm not sure if I still am.

"Never stop loving someone because maybe one day that person might just love you back."
Really, Anon? When will that 'one day' come? How much longer do I have to wait for him? It has been so long already.

You have no idea.
Don't you see?
Well no, I guess you only have eyes for her.
It'll always be her, won't it?
I'm always going to be the one who plays along and pretends to be supportive of the both of you.
Supportive, my foot.

I love you.

What you don't know won't hurt you, but it'll hurt me.
It hurts to know how much she means to you, when she can't even see the you I can see.
She doesn't deserve you. Not one bit.

My friend once asked me,
"Do you like him more than you'd like a friend?"
I answered, "We're just friends. I knew him since a very long time ago."
It hurt when I told her we were just friends, you and I.
It hurts when I know that's all we're ever going to be.

Just friends.

Hello, Monday blues.

2011-05-24T18:59:00.002+08:00

I know it's Tuesday today, but I'm starting to hate every single day of the week.
Except for Sunday.

Monday nights used to be the best for me.
You just had to mess things up, huh?
You just had to leave like that.
I can't believe you brought the Sun along with you, then walked out, leaving nothing but the gloomy weather.
That sounded so stupid, but you understand, don't you?

Yes I am angry at you.
Disappointed, too, sometimes.
I know it's not y0ur fault, but it was the way you said your goodbye.
Unforgivable.

I miss our laughter.
You never failed to turn my Monday mood upside down.
Until now.

Damn you.

To you. Damn I'm running out of titles.

2011-05-24T18:55:00.002+08:00

How was I supposed to know?
I mean, "Yes, things were, and are, kind of weird between us last couple of weeks",
so yes, how was I supposed to know?

Everything was just starting to fall apart everywhere I just don't know what to think anymore.

Everyone's sending out mixed signals now and I have never been good at reading mixed signals, so I'm sorry if I got you wrong in any way.

I think I'll draft that one, because I'll never delete what I post.
Since you read it, then it's okay.
I mean, it was half meant for you anyway.

Things still are weird.
I don't know how to deal with it.

Murphy's Law

2011-05-21T21:14:00.002+08:00

I hate being sick.

I hate what you did.
I'm sure you know what being left out feels like.
I see you're having a great time inflicting that feeling upon me.
Gee, pleased to be your guinea pig.

I hate my Science results.
That really ruined my Thursday.
Fine, and Friday and maybe a bit of Saturday.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
A freaking full score?!
I know I told you last week I screwed up on my Science paper.
Don't tell me I don't know what I'm doing,
BECAUSE I DO.
You think I don't value my reputation?
Please, I'm doing my best to keep it up, maintain my performance and whatsoever.
I was doing so well last year AND YOU HAD TO MAKE ME LEAVE THE BAND.
The band was my motivation.
It was my strength, my fire, my reason to work hard and prove everyone wrong.

Do you think I know what to do now?
Do you think I had direction for the past 6 months?!
I did not!
I put up with all this bullshit for 6 months and I'll have to put up with it for the next 3 years.
I hope you're happy, because I, for one, am not.

Don't tell me how to do this.
I may not know which way to go now, but I will figure things out.
I will find my way again, so don't interfere.
Interfering and helping are two different things.

You know all this better than anyone else.
I shouldn't be venting here about you.
You brought me up to be my own person, to stand for myself, to work things out when life gets messed up and to do things independently until you can't do it anymore, then ask for help.
You taught me all that.
You also took away my motivation to study.
I'm looking for an alternative now,
so don't make things harder for me, please.

I love you, Father, and I still don't forgive the both of you for what you all did in November last year, I'm not sure if I ever will, but let me do this.
Don't tell me I don't value my reputation, because I do.
Don't tell me I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, because I KNEW what I wanted to do with it. I KNEW, before the both of you ruined everything. I knew that teaching the piano was my dream, but it isn't anymore. After what happened, it isn't anymore. How can I still love the piano if it was the reason you pulled me out from the band? I can't. I tried, but I can't.
Don't tell me I'm too confident or I'm pretending to put on a brave face, because you don't know how close I am to breaking into pieces.

If I'm really as overconfident as you think I am, then you have no idea how hard I work to memorize all those facts during my Science tuition.

I love you, and I know what you did what you did for my own good,
but please, don't judge me before you know my side of the story.

2011-05-20T20:19:00.000+08:00

"Your heart just breaks, that’s all. But you can’t judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you."

-Audrey Hepburn.

2011-05-20T20:16:00.004+08:00

That should be me holding your hand.
That should be me making you laugh.

That should be me standing by your side.